Life on the rollercoaster

Where to begin. I guess I really started to become concerned when I noticed my husband was losing weight. He has always been a fairly slim guy, but his clothes were starting to hang off him. I had been sick with sinus related ailments for much of the first part of the year so was just trying to make it through each passing day. I noticed that he was getting much more angry about things at work, but he was also working more. It' not uncommon for him to not eat all day before getting home, but he would get home between 3&4 then eat leftovers. A few hours later he would eat a big dinner so he at least was getting some nutrition. During January and February he wasn't getting home until 6 or 7 (sometimes later when he had a long experiment going), so I just chalked it up to lack of opportunity. Well, I finally convinced him to see the dr. regarding the weight loss and of course he couldn't get in for another month (the end of March at this point). Things got worse at work, he was becoming frustrated over everything, he would come home seething, he was thinking of nothing else. He was just in a bad place, but still seemed to be holding things together. Towards the end of March he went to see our doctor and she noted that he had dropped 27 lbs since his last recorded weight (a few years before). I am sure it was more than this since he had packed on a few pounds in the last few years so I'm guessing his weight drop at that point was closer to 35 lbs. He is 6'2" and probably was maybe 175 at his heaviest so you can see he didn't have this weight to lose. Anyway, the doctor was very concerned. She did a full panel of screening tests and everything came back normal. Ironically, this is when things really went south. I think my husband had been clinging to the belief that their was something physically wrong that could explain the symptoms (weight loss, lack of appetite, mood swings, night sweats, sleep problems, etc.). He started raging at work, seething at home. Shaking nonstop, unable to eat, sleep, function. He was not enjoying himself, we were not enjoying his company, but more than anything I was worried. A few days later he left on a six day fishing trip and was reportedly the best he had been in awhile. He was able to eat without gagging, fish, and enjoy himself. He came back on a Sunday in good spirits. I began to think that the anticipation of the fishing trip had been partially to blame. Well come Monday he went to work and everything fell apart. Things were worse than ever. He became non-functional either shaking uncontrollably, screaming, or catatonic. He could not pull himself together for me, for the kids, or for himself. We all began to get a little scared. That night he did not sleep, I know because I did not sleep, he got up at the crack of dawn and left for work. I began to try to make contingency plans, how can we survive without his job, what do I do if he comes home today with no job? Meanwhile, I'm trying to maintain the business as usual facade to the outside world. Well, he called not in good shape and I managed to convince him to just come home. At this point he had become suicidal, the world was better off without him, his kids were definitely better off without him, I didn't deserve this and was due a life without all the drama that he was creating. He did not (yet) have a specific plan but my goal was to keep him distracted long enough to keep him from formulating one. He had already been considering the passive (run the stop sign and see what happens...) and had given my the bolt to the .22, but I cannot even describe how bad things were at this point. I can be a very persuasive talker and I tried everything I could come up with to keep him with us. He agreed to see the doctor again and agreed to consider the fact that maybe depression may be partially to blame for some of these emotions/behaviors. I went with him on Wednesday (we all did because my son had an appointment before) so I was also able to talk to our doctor and not let him minimize what had been going on. Let me interject that my husband has always had mood swings, problems with anger (never towards me or the kids), and had some periods of what I realize now were just mild depression, but this was a totally new ballgame. Our doctor had apparently asked him at his previous appointment if he thought his problems could be from depression and he had said no, we still aren't completely sure this is the only cause but he did get 100% on the depression test so even if it isn't the only thing going on it is a major factor. I guess why I'm trying to get this out there is because I didn't realize what depression actually looks like. Other than being very skinny and a little edgy, my husband looks normal but he is really, really sick. He is life-threateningly sick. I feel sometimes like I am sitting and watching someone die and I am helpless. He cannot make himself eat, he cannot make himself do anything, he is completely hostage to the Black Dog. Enter antidepressants, not the instantaneous cure that we had hoped for, but maybe they are helping. He now has some days where he has some periods of almost feeling normal. I have made him stay home from work because every time he would seem a little better, he would go there and completely regress. There is no doubt that there is stuff going on at work that needs to be dealt with, but he needs to get better and then deal with them. A stupid job is not worth your life! I don't know what the future holds, everything seems so uncertain and fragile at the moment, but I'm clinging to hope that the worst is behind us. Several people have told me to give the drugs three weeks and there should be some noticeable differences. He was eating better yesterday, probably the most calories he has consumed in months and there are other small improvements. I am terrified of what will happen when he does go back to work, but I'm trying not to worry about that now. So if you missed me, this is where I've been.